This is what we received today . . .
To the staff,
In behalf of Management, staff is excused to go home early today. As some of you may have noticed, there seems to be a problem with protesters outside our building. These people have taken to marching up and down the street chanting "Brainzzzz . . . Brainzzzz . . ." We are still not sure what the protest is all about, but there are some reports that this has something to do with bad beans.
Security has already been alerted, and are taking measures to ensure your safety. Any reports of Security personnel joining the protesters and random staff spotted biting people's heads is untrue and the result of malicious minds attempting to provoke terror among personnel. Any staff member caught spreading these rumors will be disciplined in accordance with Staff Rules.
Be aware that current traffic is heavy due these protesters becoming a nuissance all across town. Also, Metro has reported delays in their schedule due to the same circumstance.
Last but not least, Management wishes to recommend staff to stay away from beans, canned or otherwise. This, of course, has no bearing upon the rumors that have been spread about the alleged relation between protesters and bad beans, and people losing their brains and other parts of their anatomy as a result.
Also, any reports that this is the end of the world are greatly exaggerated.
We wish staff the best of luck getting home, and we do expect to see you tomorrow morning bright and early.
Billy Bob Shmoe