belfebe (belfebe) wrote,

Rain, magnificent rain. It has made it for a cozy and very productive weekend -- not to mention a wonderful opportunity for teen child bonding.

To make a long story short, Carlos' grandmother on his dad's side passed away. Carlos loved his grandmother, and we just didn't feel that it was a good idea to go anywhere and leave him alone at home. Therefore, we stayed home with him for the weekend.

I think it was a wonderful idea. We got a chance to talk, spend time together, and watch a lot of really bad Dolph Lundgren movies. Then again, there are not many good Dolph Lundgren movies.

Nevertheless, this doesn't mean that Dolph's movies are not worth watching. Au contraire these are some of the most entertaining flicks that anyone can watch and enjoy on cable or DVD, while enjoying a big bucket of popcorn. Just disconnect your brain and prepare for a self-made MST3K afternoon.

The thing is, there are a lot of bad movies out there, the kind that make you say "Gah! Flip that channel now!. Or, "Jeebus! What a waste of $5.00 and and 90 minutes of my time!" Dolph Lundgren's movies are not like that.

No, boys and girls, these movies are beyond mere mediocrity or simple badness. They are a awesomely awful, the kind of stuff where you can't pry your eyes off the screen. A trainwreck would be a good description, only this is much more entertaining.

Take for instance "Bridge of Dragons." It is filmed somewhere in Eastern Europe. And no, this is not a fantasy movie. There is a screaming lack of bridges, let alone dragons. What there is a lot of is a bunch of white people pretending to be Asian, with the occasional Asian actor or actress thrown in for good measure. The wardrobe alone deserves an award all of its own. Apparently they raided whatever low budget studio in Pepeslavia or wherever country this studio was, cobbling everything together to garb everyone. The predictable result was that the film featured people dressed in Mongol garb, Middle Eastern garb, Nazi uniforms, Red China uniforms, G.I. jungle uniforms, a couple of commercial Airline pilot uniforms, regular everyday clothes, and assorted SCA garb. I think I even saw someone in Civil War jammies.

Oh, and at one point people were wearing their evening clothes too.

Later on, I realized that they justified this by calling it a "Post Apocalyptic Society."

Yeah, I also think it was an afterthought.

The plot? If we can call this a plot, is that there is a princess, whose father has been killed by some Military-Dictator-Wannabe guy (the dude who played the villain in "Mortal Kombat") who wants to marry her and start a dynasty. Lundgren is a guy who works for the Dictator and is supposed to bring her back to him. Things get rather confusing and funny, particularly because everybody looks kind of lost and nobody is making the least attempt at acting. Oh, and the chick who plays the Princess is worse than any of the Jackie Chan ladies-in-distress.

(Not that I have anything against Jackie Chan's movies. It is only that it seems that his leading ladies seem to have only one line: "Jackeee!!!!!!! Help!!!!!!!!!" while flailing wildly and looking helpless.")

Another movie that we watched was "Johnny Mnemonic." It is a Keanu Reeves vehicle, with a plot sort of after a short story by William Gibson. It also features Dolph Lundgren playing an apocalyptic street prophet who looks like a cross between a Crazy Jeebus and Father Time. I think that Lundgren was one of the saving features of that film and that he was hysterically funny as a crazed bad guy.

I can tell you one thing, as a lover of B movies (and if they have more than 2 stars I am not interested), I have become a Lundgren fan. Really. This is good stuff, particularly if you are watching it with friends.

So next time that you have a rainy afternoon and you are looking for something to watch, hunt for a Lundgren movie on cable or put it on your Netflix list.

You won't regret it.

Next review: Showdown in Little Tokyo. (Don't miss Dolph dressed in a white ghi with sun decorated a bandana, sort of like a beefed-up Karate Kid. He rocks!)

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