So okay. Not so live, since that was last night and it's obviously several hours later, but you get the idea.
Rick and Cheryl. I sort of dig her granny panties with “Tush” written on them. Not digging the longer hair though. They're doing a good job. Apparently, Cheryl is wearing Cristopher's Ice Capades top from Project Runway. Len is concerned, because tall guys can't dance, but he decides that he's a contender. Bruno says that he's better this week. Carrie Ann, says that he was better last week. Get your act together guys. They give them a 21.
And what's wrong with Brooke's boobs? That dress has some weird ass upside down mud flaps hanging from her girls. It's just bizarre.
Florence Henderson looks amazing. She also gives Corky the finger during rehersals. I want to be her when I grow up. They are awesome and they ham it up. They're doing the quickstep and they are very funny. Now, that is comedy. Louis and Margret, take note. Bruno says that she's a little bit like driving Miss Daisy. Len loves her, and so do I.
I am officially mesmerized by Brooke's boobs.
Florence and Corky get 19 points. I am so voting for her.
Macks and Brandi. The jive. Brandi is channeling Britney Spears with that schoolgirl outfit and pigtails. Alas, no Britney's “Baby One More Time”. It's "I've Got the Magic in Me," instead. I am dissapointed. I want me my Britney. Oh, well. Brandi's footwork still needs work though. But she's adorable.
Oh, god. Sarah Palin is in the audience.
Hmm, Len didn't like it. Neither Carrie Ann for that matter. Bruno thinks that she looks like a Gwen Stefani backup dancer. He's missing the Britney reference altogether. C'mon Bruno! You know better than that!
Maks grabs Tom's butt. Seems to be traditional at this point.
They get a 21.
Michael “Snoozefest” Bolton and Chelsie Hightower. The Jive. They're doing "You Ain't Nothing but a Hound Dog." Michael is in all fours and barking. This is getting scary. And promising in a trainwrecky sort of way. He also has laringitis. That's not good.
Oh, good! Michael Bolton is inside a dog house and has a bone. He crawls out. And he still can't dance. (Seriously Michael, didn't you know that any dog references in live tv while performing "You Ain't Nothing but a Hound Dog" doesn't work for anyone? Didn't work for Elvis in the Ed Sullivan Show. Trust me, it won't work for you in DWTS.)
Now he's busting a move worthy of Night of the Living Dead. He is also holding a bone in his mouth. Len says that the world is not ready for Michael's interpretation of the Jive. I agree. Bruno says that he should have stayed in the dog house.
Three words: Worst. Performance. Ever.
Whoa! They got a 4 a 5 and a 3. Not since Billy Ray Cyrus had I seen the 4 paddle. And I certainly didn't know that they had a #3! 12 total.
For crying out loud, someone put this man out of his misery!
Audrina and Tony. The quickstep. She's sort of channeling Anna Trebunskaya with that outfit. They are looking good and I'm rooting for them. Man, she's got killer abs! Len says that they've got the best dance of the night so far. Go Papa Bear! Go Audrina!
Tony says that if they don't get 3 8's he's waxing his legs. Len and Carrie Ann give them 8's. Bruno gives them a 7. He totally wants to see Tony wax his legs, IMHO. Bruno, you are a perv.
I want me some Pop-On Pals. But why are they sponsoring Dancing with the Stars?
Brad the Bachelor is in the audience. Do we care?
Jennifer Gray and Derek Hough. The Jive. Wow, I didn't know that Jennifer had bone cancer in the spine. She's fine now, but she's got a plate in her neck. She's rocking that fringe and she and Derek are looking great. I am not a fan of Derek but he's gotta be the best choreographer, second only to his sister. Everyone is sitting on the floor now, including Tom Bergeron.
Jamie Lee Curtis is in the audience for the second time. I love Jamie Lee Curtis.
They get three 8's. Luckily, Derek had not promised to wax his legs. Thank you Derek.
Tom is interviewing Sarah Palin. She's still folksy. She's sucking up to the judges too. Bristol the Pistol? Seriously?
Louis and Margaret. The Jive. We'll watch them after the commercials.
Now I want a Little Zoom Speed Car. Why is Fisher Price sponsoring DWTS? And why do 3 year olds have to get the coolest toys?
Castle is back. I am so happy!!!
Back to our regularly scheduled program. Louis and Margaret are definitely looking better than last time, which is not that difficult. A couple of stumbles here and there, but altogether much better. They get 6-6-6. But hey, they're higher than Michael Bolton. And thankfully, they didn't feature any dog houses or bones.
*Note: Now that I think about it, not even Kate Gosselin got a 3. Michael Bolton is making history. Or something.
Kyle Massey and Lacey Schwimmer. Quickstep. Lacey is trying to convince him to stop eating hamburgers. Good luck with that. He promises a sexy quickstep We shall see.
Me likey Lacey's muppet skirt.
Okay, that kid can dance. He reminds me of Emmitt Smith. For real. My money is officially on him. And remember, you read it here first.
Bruno is not impressed, much. Carrie Ann is. Len says that this is not like any quickstep he's ever seen, and not in a good way. But he liked it. Kid impressed the Dancemaster himself. I am impressed. They get a 22. Not bad.
Kurt Warner and Anna Trebunskaya. Or, can white football players dance? The Jive. He says that if spray tanning can help his dancing he'll happily do it. He may have a point.
Anna's green sparkly military dominatrix getup is hot. Kurt's doing okay. Still a little flat-footed, but better than last week. Carrie Ann loves it. Len give kudos for improvement. Bruno likes it. They give them 21.
Bristol Palin looks so dowdy. And the Situation looks like the energizer bunny.
The Situation and Karina Smirnoff. The quickstep. Dancing to Brian Selzer's Americana. The Sitch doesn't like it. Karina says tough cookies. She's kicking his ass and has a riding crop. This season has a dominatrix theme, I'm telling you.
He has some good moves, and others not so good. In Len's words, his dancing was comprised of a series of unfortunate events. But his footwork mesmerizes me like Brooke's boobs with the flaps. Carrie Ann thanks him for not doing the fistpump. So do I.
They get a triple six. Total 18. He's still better than Michael Bolton. Then again, everyone is.
Bristol and Mark. They are now visiting Sarah Palin in Alaska. I am dissapointed. I can't see Russia from her window. Go figure.
Back to the dance floor.
Good Lord. Poor Bristol is wearing the most horrendous purple dress ever. And are those bike shorts under the skirt? Gah! Make it stop!
The footwork is not bad though. One could say, even graceful. She may survive to dance another day.
But no, Carrie Anne, she does not remind us of Kelly Osbourne. Kelly is the daughter of the Prince of Darkness and a rock and roll princess. Bristol is the daughter of an Alaskan politician and a motivational speaker for teen chastity(!?). The only thing these two have in common is that they are both young carbon-based life forms of the female persuasion.
Anywhoo, Len likes her dancing. Bruno says that she has to become an actress and perform in order to win. Good luck with that. They get 22. It's about right.
And that's all folks. I leave you know with the Death Pool of the week.
Who do you think will be going home tonight?
Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough
Audrina Patridge and Tony Dovolani
Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas
Kyle Massey and Lacey Schwimmer
Brandy and Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Rick Fox and Cheryl Burke
Kurt Warner and Anna Trebunskaya
Florence Henderson and Corky Ballas
Margaret Cho and Louis Van Amstel
Situation, The and Karina Smirnoff
Michael Bolton and Chelsie Hightower