August 31st, 2006

Death-Neil Gaiman

Waiting for the Plot

So last night we watched a Bond flick: "Die Another Day."

I must confess that, while I like Bond movies, I had not watch this one before.

Here is my review:

Die Another Day is a great movie in the sense that a trainwreck is a great show. It is awful, but you just can't stop watching. The fact that it is the kind of vehicle that lends itself to MST3K type of running commentary is a plus.

I could summarize the movie with the following imaginary dialogue:

"I have a great idea for the new Bond flick!"


"Let's have people getting sucked out of planes!"

"Like Goldfinger?"

"Yes! And while we're at it, let's do a laser scene! Only that this time, instead of having Sean Connery tied up on a table, we will have Halle Berry! In leather!"

"Like Goldfinger?"

"But wait! There's more! We'll include a deadly weapon harnessing the power of the sun. In space! With diamonds!"

"Like Diamonds are Forever?"

"Oh, and let's also have some underwater scenes where James Bond is breathing through his mouth via a tiny oxigen tank the size of a pen."

"Like Thunderball?"

"Brilliant, ain't I? And for the villain, an evil, North Korean leader!"

"Like Team America?"

"And instead of having Pussy Galore, we will have puns galore! Get it? Puns galore! Ha, ha!"

"I think I'm getting a headache . . ."

"But wait! Here's the best part! For my piece de resistence, a dream sequence where MoneyPenny is making out with Bond! Man, I'm a genius!"

"I think I need a drink . . ."

Now, if they had only included Mini-Me . . .

At any rate, if you are a B movie fan, such as myself, this movie is for you. The plot is missing in action, and its face is currently appearing on milk cartons with a legend that reads "Have you seen me?". But the movie itself is random enough to keep you entertained. In fact, the only difference between this movie and a Dolph Lundgren movie (and I love Lundgren's cheesy movies!) is the budget.

That, and Halle Berry.

Oh, wait. That's part of the budget.

Never mind.

But do watch it.

And let me know if you could ever find the plot.

Last I heard, it was spotted in Cancun drinking Margaritas with Jean Claude Van Damme.
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